Serious Internet

Bad Internet

feel serious 'stat counter induced' anxiety
seems like my "view : comment ratio" is going to cause life problems for me
like i will feel worried intensely about the quality of my blog
and 'fuck up' my real life relationships or something

what does my 'internet presence' have 'to offer'?

i feel anxiety increasing rapidly

i see myself drinking a lot of alcohol and feeling better, then 'waking up' and feeling 'at a loss' due to my monetary situation, drinking more alcohol to relieve those bad feelings, looking at a computer screen for 6 or 7 hours, feeling 'hard internet social anxiety', buying more alcohol, etc..

seems bleak...

someone just said "punk goes crunk"

my face has not changed expression within the past 2 hours
'caffeine binge'
is there anyone who feels 'the same way as me' about relationships?
[something] re monogamy...
[something] re 'expectations'...
'inherently oppressive'...
[something]...
etc...

i see myself thinking and feeling in a vague, negative manner for at least the next three days..

does anybody like my blog?
is this an 'obvious plea' for comments?
is this essentially 'the same thing' as posting a myspace bulletin and saying "pc4pc"?
why, 'all of the sudden', do i care about quantity?
'desperate'

'empty'

where can you go besides the internet or real life

'tired of the internet'
...

American Apparel / All There Is

i read this in a magazine type of thing at american apparel. it was in the concluding paragraph of one of their many articles about "business ethics" or something...

"You know what? We're young, we have fun, we party, we fuck, we make money in a socially responsible way. It's cool."

another 'quote of interest' was

"Capitalism comes first."

i think this was in an interview about their 'soft-core pornography' 'marketing techniques' or something. 'we like mixing business with pleasure' was also said or something i think...

seems like there is no such thing as a 'good company' in my worldview
feel noticably nervous about 'this type of shit' for the first time in a while i think...

_____________________________________________________

this is something i wrote for a thing called 6 sentences and i found it today. seems 'highly relevant' in my life right now. i am assuming it did not get accepted.

all there is.

he couldn’t imagine getting a job or flying a kite or writing a poem or really ‘doing anything at all’ besides staring at one of the 23 walls in his apartment with a neutral facial expression and feeling bored. is it normal to feel so completely crippled by ones thoughts? he wondered. wake up, brush teeth, check e-mail, check blog, try to eat something, lay back down. he felt like the arbitrary nature of all human desire mixed with the ‘reality’ that capitalism and other hierarchical powers superimposed on him were enough to drive any man to the point of exhaustion and despair. recently he had been trying to avoid almost all ‘deeper level thinking’ by playing computer games, drinking relatively small amounts of alcohol extremely quickly, and compulsively checking his e-mail for things he didn’t really expect to find. this feels so fucked, he thought, this can’t be all there is.

Mad Swirl

three of my poems got published on Mad Swirl yesterday

i think they seem okay still... wrote them a while ago...

http://www.madswirl.com/content/poetry/Jordan_Castro.html

sweet

Party

birthday party.....

lots of people i 'know but don't really know' from my high school were there. level of discomfort at an 'all time high' i felt.

kept feeling like getting up and moving to other 'sects' of the party, then standing kind of, then sitting back down feeling embarrased.

got paid quite a bit of money to play music. afterwards felt a 'burst of confidence'. found myself feeling 'suddenly social' and interested in things.

these pictures are 'legitimately candid' and taken by mallory...

Art

i feel fucked when i think of people as the things that they create

or

when i think of creations as the people who have made them

(while 'recognizing' that all things are created by everyone, i think. like, 'our' 'creations' are just years and years of 'human energy build up' 'resulting' in something like a drawing or a poem or a song. words like "influence" and "tofu" seem highly relevant in my thought proccess and are 'running through' my head.)

i think maybe i should cognitively assess "works of art" with some sort of detatchment from the person who directly created it.

"more fair"

"less biased"

"open-mind"

etc..

Please help me

i am thinking about making a twitter account. feel like this would somehow be an 'aimless pursuit'. like i have no idea what 'purpose' there'd be in making one besides like, masturbatory satisfaction (or aggravation, i guess, like 'whiskey dick' with lack of followers or something). i think of a lot of one line things that i feel like typing. just thought, "assessing myself seriously with intensely neutral or confused facial expression." think this could be 'twittered'. i would like to receive more external validation i think. don't know if this would add to it or overwhelm me and like, 'totally' 'freak me out'.

does anybody reading this have a twitter? does it seem good? does anybody know anything about twitter 'as a corporation'?

also

what does it mean to be a "hipster" 'to you'? feel like i would be able to name a lot of people i know or have met who i'd consider to be "hipsters" but do not have a 'concrete idea' or definition in my head. upon being asked, "what is a hipster?" i feel like i would respond like, "you know, someone like (insert name of acquaintance here)". this question may or may not be important. 'now that i think about it', it seems very unimportant. jeez.........

please send me an e-mail (jordancastroisthepresident@gmail.com) if you can make me feel more able to make decisions about these things.

or 'just' comment my blog.

thank you.

edit: although i think the "hipster question" may be 'unimportant' i still feel interested in what people have to say about it. i would like to know.

Facebook

just got done checking out some 'random ass pages' on facebook

i do not have a facebook

i was on ziggy's account

thought "bitches are hard" in a serious tone of voice

felt aimlessly angry about "all of the hipsters"

feel uncomfortable about thinking in 'ironic / sarcastic misogynistic terms' like "bitch" or something

think this will stop soon

facebook feels overwhelming

i am looking at profiles and 'subconsciously' forming conclusive opinions about individual people based on their pages

like, "this person has died hair and a camera in their main pic. seems like 'just another' hipster." or "this person listens to music i think is okay and has pics of their tatoos. i would probably spend 2-3 hours with this person before wanting to leave, and spend 2-3 hours with this person maybe 1-2 days a week 'out of neccessity' i think, depending on how badly i feel."

or "these slut-looking girls party hard i think. why don't i go to parties like this? i am alone in a basement. where is my low-cut top and natty ice? just kidding. you know why you don't go to parties like this. why do you sometimes feel weird desires to 'be a bro'? you are fucked. stop looking at this girl in her bathing suit. fucked ass."

i realize that with the combination of that last thought mixed with the occasional use of the word "bitch" that i may seem 'legitimately sexist'. seems like i am not.

i have read an emma goldman book and liked it, does this somehow 'qualify' something in regards to sexism and me?

i type in quotes because it saves me from typing whole ass paragraphs explaing how 'qualify'ing something seems like a subjective thing, and might not even exist as a concrete thing. like quality is 'completely made-up' and senseless because of everything being 'completely made-up' and senseless or something. or how my desire to 'be a bro' might be because i am a bro, because there is no 'becoming' of certain stereotypical social group name because WE ARE EVERYTHING or something 'abstract' like that. like i already am a bro because we are a "we". like i am your favorite QB. i am a slutty girl in a tank-top.

they are also easy to 'hide behind'

i think the reason why i look at these things is because i am 'abstractly self-absorbed' or something.

the reason why anyone would do this shit is because of some 'deep-seeded disgusting thing' or because of being 'abstractly self-absorbed'.

we all have 'deep-seeded disgusting things' in us i think.

i watched factotum today. was hard to 'get used to it' at first but i think i liked it. the book was better i think.

goodnight