Sunday, June 28, 2009

Face(s)


seems like this summer could be spent neutrally,
with a neutral facial expression,
thinking things like
“okay”
or
“i am on my way”

seems ‘all the same to me’

i am going to take a shower

i hope this has an outwardly positive effect on my day

goodbye faces.

Tuesday, June 23, 2009

Feel extremely tired (some random ass days)

JUNE 23rd

- today was a very bad day. seems like i have thought 'this is the worst day of my life' more times today than i do most other days, which is bad.

- seems impossible to answer any of the following questions,
"Are you okay?"
"How are you / have you been?"
"What's wrong?"
"Where have you been?" / "What have you been doing?" (seems like these 'mean the same thing')
there are a lot more but these seem to be the most prevalent of late. seems like my question/answer ratio is pretty fucked. i don't really consider lies or half-truths to be 'real answers' i think. seems like the ratio would be 37:1 or something.

- read the first story in "Birds of America" by Lorrie Moore and it was sweet.

- watched the movie "Bank Job" and it was okay i think.

- had a mini crisis i think. i drank a lot of beer and felt bad. some key points of this crisis seemed to be "my dick falling off" (i not only called kayla and mallory to tell them this, but also have gchat proof of an honest concern for my penis and it's normality). another key point was feeling alone and narrating things i was doing. i.e "i am refreshing gmail for the tenth time in two minutes. / "i am hungry and people eat when they are hungry." etc. other 'points of interest' might include crying, meaninglessness, despair, and finally throwing up and falling asleep.

_____________________________________________________

JUNE 24th

- sat near a waterfall and it was sweet

- bought Ann Beattie's novel "Love Always" for a dollar

- saw American War, Andy Cook, Heathers, and Ghostmice at lakewood park. (will maybe review this show in length at some point, have been thinking about it a lot it feels like)

_____________________________________________________

TODAY

- woke up early. thought about last night. talked with evan about our growth and how starting today we would affect this perpetual motion and growth in the best way that we feel like we know how.

- reading Lorrie Moore's "Birds of America" and i like it a lot.

- didn't feel out of control or belligerent today at all. felt very calm and neutral. neutral. neutral. neutral....

- bought "The Fall" by Camus and "Native Son" by Richard Wright. i have been buying very cheap books recently.

*******THIS POST FEELS OUT OF CONTROL AND NARCISSISTIC. I FEEL NERVOUS. MY FACE FEELS HEAVY.

Wednesday, June 17, 2009

Drinking vodka 7's while listening to Chopin and it's raining

Thomas Levy posted a sweet blog in response to my blog about my 'my documents' folder. this is it.

i am going to go film a video for Sam Pink's new poetry book.

reading Tales of Ordinary Madness by Bukowski, seems sweet.

also reading I Am Going To Clone Myself Then Kill The Clone and Eat It by Sam pink. also seems sweet.

goodbye.

Penguins of Madagascar made my morning sweet.




this morning i sat down with my little brother and watched the television show "penguins of madagascar" on the disney channel for around 3 minutes. seemed sweet.

one of the penguins (the "thinker" of the group) was in a 'sticky situation.' there was a monster out to get them. this monster had suction cups and it used these to capture the penguins.

the thinker penguin was with two of his friends and they both got suctioned. while being sucked, the victims both grabbed onto something in a 'last ditch effort' to save themselves. i think it was the roots of a tree and a branch or something. they were totally relying on the thinker penguin to help them out. the thinker penguin then had an intense debate with himself as to who he should save. he hesitated and couldn't figure it out quickly enough, so both of his friends ended up getting sucked away by the monster.

this seems relevant. like being paralyzed by your thought proccess will leave you and the people who are 'a part of your life' fucked. it will give the monsters an easier shot at taking away all that you have or something.

'on the other hand' i feel like an analytical approach to all action is a necessary thing if any 'substantial' effect is desired.

i guess maybe there is a time for thought, and a time for action. or something.

there is a speech called The Anarchist Tension by somebody whose name i forget, and he says that the secret to life is to 'never separate thought from action'. this seems highly impossible in modern day society, but maybe he's right. i'm not one to talk about the 'secret of life' because i am unhappy and feel fucked most times. seems interesting though.

but i think maybe, since we are perpetually doing and therefore always affecting or 'acting', that thought and action could be the same thing or something. like thinking is an action or something. but like, maybe instead of just sitting around thinking and feeling paralyzed because of it, i should do something 'productive' or for the benefit of someone somewhere, while thinking at the same time.

for example, i can be thinking about existence and 'meaning' or something, while at the same time doing something like making a gift for someone. (in a bukowski book i'm reading, he says something to the effect of, "you save the world by saving one person at a time, all else is grandiose romanticism and politics." seems sweet.)

i guess what i am trying to figure out is if i'm really harming other people or myself by 'saturating myself' in thought and not really ever doing anything. i feel like i could be making other peoples lives (especially the people around me) better and this would maybe make me feel less shitty about myself (and make other people feel better). i also feel like this seems impossible and 'pointless' sometimes though.

i don't know what i am talking about... fuck.

the monster was actually a lot of chameleons who didn't speak penguin language. the chameleons were sucking them up because that was the only way of rounding them all together for a dinner party.

seems like everything was (is) 'one big misunderstanding' and that is all there really is. understanding and misunderstanding. if we all understood that we are all going to die, and that we all want to avoid pain and experience pleasure, seems like we could do sweet things.

at the dinner party there was lots of music and the chameleons kept changing colors to blend in with stuff. seemed sweet.

edits: i do not 'fully believe' anything i just typed. i am unsure about all of this and if any of it seems stupid, sorry. *Alfredo M. Bonanno wrote The Anarchist Tension. Deleted a lot of quotation marks.

Monday, June 15, 2009

Things That I Ate Today


- whole-wheat toast w/ jelly

- coffee (x2)

- a "smart dog" with ketchup and mustard

- two or three cups of water

- hot buffalo wing flavored pretzels

- coffee

- mocha soy ice cream with organic soy chocolate chips

- a baked potato

Sunday, June 7, 2009

I am the president, bitch.

- i have spent a significant part of the past few days organizing my 'my documents' folder. i think we exist to create the best 'my documents' folder as possible, for ourselves and for posterity or something, and then we die. our 'my documents' folders are more important than we think. we should organize and pay attention to what we create and leave behind, it might 'actually matter'.

- it is becoming increasingly impossible to keep up with the pace of 'other existences' compared with the pace of mine. i feel like i am single handedly dismantling all pillars of my existence (especially as far as relationships go) because of how i think. my indecisive thinking and feeling has crippled my activity and ability to interact. life moves too fast. how is a person supposed to assimilate while taking into consideration depressionanxietyconfusionetc.? feels impossible.

- during my nervous breakdown i want to have a biographer present by Brandon Scott Gorrell was one of the best books i feel i have ever read. ask the dust by John Fante was pretty fantastic 'too'.

- i am, i think, overly self-involved and i think this is probably a lot of why i've been feeling so shitty. my thought process has been largely a 'self-diagnosis' of sorts. i cannot understand why 'self-diagnosis' is important or why i am even writing this blog. this is mostly what i think when i spend a considerable amount of time doing or caring about anything.

- i am working on a poetry collection that i think is going to be called i am the president, bitch. i don't know if that's what it is going to be called. it feels good to edit poems and stuff.

- i feel nervous and reckless about almost all of my blog posts. sorry if i 'wasted your time'. i have a bad feeling in my stomach.

- my new e-mail address is jordancastroisthepresident@gmail.com

Tuesday, June 2, 2009

Letter From A Solider 'At War' - 2083

Letter From A Solider 'At War' - 2083


Dear ZigTron (and everyone else 'back home'),

The war is getting brutal. Barbaric, I sometimes think, this is simply barbaric. Today, my blog was allegedly viewed 1,537 times; however I recieved only 3 comments (one of which, I found, was 'deleted' upon checking to see what it had said). I know this was the work of the enemy. Only the enemy would be capable of inciting such feelings of 'out-of-control self doubt' and 'utter hopelessness' inside of me.

This is new-age war boys. Just the other day, Lieutenant Tao Lin was lamenting 'the good old days' and it sounded incredible. The armies were made up of thousands of physical human beings and the combat was anything but profound or emotional. Bombings and killings - in a physical sense! Imagine! No more lonliness or internal tormenting as a means of revenge! Killing. Plain and simple. One cannot control externalities, really, so killing in an external sense seems 'justified,' to some degree. The internal; however, is controllable (to a certain extent). This modernized form of war seems cruel and fucked up, plain and simple.

The sun is setting here - the sun is always setting here - and I can't even really remember why I'm at war in the first place. The abstractions all seem to blur together in my head. Democracy, freedom, power, I think, liberty, money, property. Happiness, love, country. It is starting to feel like abstractions serve no use to anyone anymore, if they ever really did at all. It feels like there's a glitch in my mental hard drive. HaHaHaHa!

Anyways...

Must be going now, the virtual stripper is here to give us our emotional stimuli for the day. Tell momma I said happy 156th birthday and tell poppa he'll be lucky to make it to 140 if he keeps smoking those darn cigarettes! I'll try to write you again soon to tell you all about the other encounter's I've had with the enemy. Recently, it seems they've been at it almost every single day. If I make it home alive, you'll be the first person I'll video chat with.

L*ve (military conduct that we mustn't say "the word"),

Marshall Mathers